The Truth About CrossFit Local by Coach Kevin
Chad and Kelly think they have you fooled. But working ever so closely with them, I’m on to them. I am taking a risk here, decoding their “secret access” into the CFL website and posting this, knowing that it will have me exonerated, and probably will send to some foreign hick place in the south…..like CLEMSON….. God forbid.
The secrets out, and I’m going to expose Chad and Kelly for what they really are. Here are 5 things you don’t know about CFL, that may have you think twice about walking into the box ever again.
# 1 – Jeremy is a spy. C & K (that’s Chad and Kelly for you slow learners) told everyone at Local that he was hired as some administrative assistant, for doing office work….blah blah blah. You took their poison, ingested it, and now you are brainwashed too. I saw right through it. The REAL plan for Jeremy is to be C & K’s sabotaging side-kick. He attends other CrossFits in the area as a “tryout” client, where he is busy planting bugs, spy cameras, black lights (to look for blood), and any other shenanigans C & K have cooked up for him to do. His recent vacation was for training to be a spy (as well the second phase will take him to Michigan next week). Any CF in the area that shuts down is due to Jeremy carefully abiding to C & K’s plan. Be aware folks. His quiet demeanor is only because he’s listening to every word you say. I’m onto you Jeremy.
# 2 – There’s a 4:00 am class. I coach this; and it’s FREE! It runs from 4:00 to 4:35, and we get out before the early 5:00 show starts. It’s top secret, you have to be exclusively invited, and I really cannot say much more about it besides these three things: Squirrel Squats, Stripper Poles, and Magic Muffins. (You 4:00 AMers know exactly what I’m talking about. Remember when we found that dead cat in the woods and WODed with it….. oh magic muffins.)
# 3 – Kelly crosses out the dated food at the pro-shop. She has a special bar gun that can erase the old date and puts on a new one. This ‘tactic” can be averted by licking the date on the bar. There’s some component in saliva that will make the real date appear, so start licking away. Also, any item on sale that is protein, half of it is replaced with filler (powdered sugar, cocoa power, cream of wheat, ground flax etc). Be mindful of tricky Kelly. Sadly, she learned these practices from her mother who hordes chili.
# 4 – The distance around the building is 402 meters. You know why the interns are gone? Well, simply because they called out Chad on this. It was an ugly UGLY confrontation. I mediated it; and failed. Chad told them it was to be discussed at 3:59 AM before the 4:00 class. They abided of course, and after some “chalk dust” was sprinkled on them, and some magic muffins were eaten, they disappeared. It’s pretty crappy of Chad to do this over 2 stupid meters, AND because they worked so hard to FINALLY make the box look presentable. Oh well… It is what it is. Take note, if C or K ask you to show up at the box at 3:59 am, and there’s a plate of magic muffins offered to you….. DON”T EAT THEM!
# 5 – Ned is really Ned.
A little humor to rouse the soul….